


Confessions Of A Cipher

by PhoenixRex



Series: Stolen Moments [1]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Agent's name is Jav but that's a secret shhhh, Cipher has Emotions and is Confused, M/M, author is Weak for Theron Shan, headcanon without context, his letters thoroughly killed me, spoilers for IA class story I guess?, they killed Cipher a little too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27138053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixRex/pseuds/PhoenixRex
Summary: In which Cipher Nine receives a letter, hasfeelingsabout it, and realizes decisions and declarations are being made without all the pertinent information. And then he word vomits because he's secretly a little bit of a disaster and is still figuring out how emotions work.
Relationships: Imperial Agent | Cipher Nine/Theron Shan, Male Imperial Agent | Cipher Nine/Theron Shan
Series: Stolen Moments [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1980908
Kudos: 14





	Confessions Of A Cipher

**Author's Note:**

> -narrator voice- We find our heroes on Odessen. They established a relationship during Shadow Of Revan, and now, five years+ later and with one party thawed from carbonite, they have reunited and ya boy receives a letter from his undefined love interest/boyfriend written while he was frosty.
> 
> Look y'all, I don't know what I'm doing, but pertinent information regarding my Agent will be found in the series page as soon as I can get to it.
> 
> Also the title was invented off the cuff before I even starting writing the thing. Same with all the other titles in this series-to-be. I'm far too amused by them to bother choosing better titles. 
> 
> Also also I plan to write a second bit from Theron's pov but nothing I plan ever goes to plan, so whether or not that actually happens is up in the air.

He finished reading the letter and felt of a welling of warmth that he could only attribute to affection. Then he made a decision and turned on his heel towards the War Room. Upon entering, he located Theron and laid a hand on his arm.

"I need to talk to you." Theron half turned towards him, kept his eyes on the holo.

"Uh, now's not really a good time." Jav noticed his index finger on his opposite hand tapping against his leg - a nervous tic he thought he'd long killed - and forced himself to still it. He knew Theron noticed, could practically see him noting it. Of course he did, Jav himself would have.

"I'm afraid it can't wait." _I can't wait, lest I lose my nerve_. Theron read between the lines.

"Lead the way." Jav lead him by the arm to the first empty room with a door he could, closed it behind them. Theron opened his mouth to speak but Jav cut him off, releasing his arm.

"I have things I need to say and I need you to wait until I'm done to speak." _Please listen. Please don't judge me._ Jav removed his sniper rifle from his back and laid it against the wall. He retracted the lenses of his cybernetics, needed to be _seen_ , the things he needed to say too raw, too personal to let hide behind any wall. He scrubbed his hands over his eyes. Started pacing. Started speaking.

"I've found myself quite taken aback by the depth of my affection for you. I didn't think myself capable of it, quite honestly." He chanced a quick glance in Theron's direction. "Not to say I didn't care for you in our stolen moments. I did, quite sincerely. I simply didn't realize I was able to care as much as I find myself doing now. For you." _Why is this so hard?_ "I believe that to be mutual. As such, there are things you must know about me before we grow any further attached to one another." _If I even can._ "Perhaps the five year separation has dulled some of that for you and will allow you to," His voice caught in this throat, just for a moment. "leave if what I say proves to be more than you can bear.

"I don't know what you know about me, professionally.You'll have heard of my work, undoubtedly, but it's unlikely that you'd know that it was the same person behind the acts, much less know that I was that person. I worked very hard to make sure no one would, and I am the best at what I do. That's not a boast or vanity, simply a fact. It may mean nothing to you - I very much doubt it would, unless we had a mole in Imperial Intelligence that was never caught - but my official designation was Cipher Nine. That's why you know me as Cipher. You've never found any records of such a person in your background checks into meand you never will. I erased all records of my existence - both professional and personal - from every databank in the galaxy. Yes, it is possible and I did it. No, I will not be telling you how. Not now, and perhaps not ever. Even before doing so, I faked my death on Corellia. I truly am a ghost.

"I was behind what we in the Empire call Eradication Day I imagine it has a similar name in the Republic. I allowed countless people to be needlessly killed so I could improve my chances of killing the Sith," He spat the word out like an oath. "That arranged it all. I allowed innocents to die to buy time for a fleet to arrive in case I failed. I killed them and in doing so signed my suicide note. I would die and never face the consequences of my actions. Jadus would die, even if I failed to kill him myself, and I would die in assuring it would be so. No one, not even a Sith, can survive a ship being utterly destroyed and their body left to drift in space. Obviously, despite all odds, I survived.

"That is only one of many atrocities I've committed. Perhaps one day I'll tell you of others." _If you don't leave me after this. If you don't hate me._ Jav took a deep breath and continued.

"Despite rumors to the contrary, I'm not some monster the Empire built, literally or figuratively." He lifted his hand and flexed it, took off his synthleather gloves, needed to assure himself that was true. "I'm very much a natural born human with all my organic human parts intact. All my skills come from my own body, not any enhancements. I don't have the advantage of Force sensitivity. I'm not a product of eugenics. I simply trained myself to the point of exhaustion daily from a young age."He turned to look at Theron, met his eyes, needed him to read between the lines and understand. " _I am not a monster the Empire built._ I'm a monster _I_ built." He resumed pacing. "The Empire simply provided the means for me to do so. I was already quite proficient with most weapons, including my own body, and had already trained myself to function in dire conditions when I approached Imperial Intelligence. They did not recruit me, I was not drafted. The reason I did so is yet another thing I may tell you some day." He ran his fingers lightly over one of his facial scars absentmindedly, pulled his hand away and clenched his fist when he found himself doing so. "Once accepted, I was admitted into a program where I was trained in skills and by methods most would probably find horrid. Another perhaps for some other day. To me, both then and now, they simply were. I would change nothing. Another of my monstrous qualities, I suppose.

"I am a monster, Theron. I'm a ghost that reaches impossible targets, does impossible things. I'm a boogeyman that scares people away from becoming monsters in their own right. I'm the creature in the shadows that knows the deepest secrets about the most untouchable people. And I like it that way. It was the path I chose to follow as a child - admittedly, I did not know what exactly it would entail at the time - and the path I continued to and still choose to this day. I don't foresee that changing." Jav felt as though strings he didn't know were keeping him upright had been cut and slumped against the wall then slid down to the floor, suddenly exhausted. He pulled his knees to his chest and hid his face in them, feeling vulnerable in a way he can't ever remember being before. He heard more than felt Theron sit next to him but didn't dare look up.

"What should I call you?" Theron's voice, though quiet, was loud to Jav's enhanced hearing. He lifted his head, just a bit.

"Pardon?" He noticed his voiced sounded rougher than usual. More raw. It reflected his emotional state quite well.

"You said I know you as Cipher because of your designation at Imperial Intelligence. You don't work there anymore and if you wanted me to use your name you would have told me what it is by now. So what should I call you?" Jav rested his head back on his knees, this time facing Theron's direction. The man was sitting in much the posture but was looking ahead, face blank in a way that meant he was either thinking deeply or focused on his implants. Jav rather doubted the latter, given everything he'd just said.

"I... Don't know." Theron glanced in his direction, then turned his head more fully, focusing on Jav's face now that it was visible.

"You don't know?" He sounded as if he was trying not to sound disbelieving.

"I don't remember the last time somebody asked me that, if ever. Plenty of people have asked for my name, of course, but I've never told them. I don't think anyone has ever asked me what I wanted to be called. It's been 'Agent' and 'Cipher' for years. Now 'Commander'. I've never considered what I _wanted_ to be known as." Jav paused, thinking. "I do actually rather like the word cipher. I like how it sounds and its definition is rather apropos. I think I'd like you to continue calling me that. For now. From you I'll know it's more than a title."

"Just me?"

"Just you."

"...Okay." With that, Jav knew that he and Theron would be alright. Their relationship wouldn't - couldn't - be the same as it had been, but it was still solid. Moreso, even. He wondered if he would ever share all his secrets. He knew Theron wouldn't push. "May I?"

"May you what?" Theron's hand hovered near Jav's cheek. The air itself felt fragile.

"Touch you." Jav nodded. Theron's hand moved to cup his cheek, thumb stroking idly along the lower line of his cybernetics - completely ignoring the scars there, to Jav's pleasant surprise - and lifted Jav's head to face him more fully. "You have heterochromia." Jav blinked.

"I do. What of it?" Theron huffed a soft laugh.

"There's a betting pool - no one actually expected it to resolve - about your eyes behind the lenses." Of fucking course there was. People needed to occupy themselves somehow, he supposed, and the Alliance didn't have much else going on yet. "There were some very interesting bets. Surprising amount of creds on not having any." Theron cracked a smile. "I'd want to see the fights that would happen over what heterochromia meant for the pot if the others knew. Don't think that ever came up." And oh. If. That meant Theron had no intention of telling anyone. Jav felt affection turning over within him again. If something that small wasn't being shared, it proved his important secrets would remain between them as well. A tiny smile played at Theron's lips. "I like it. Just as unique and fantastical as the rest of you."

"I would rather like to kiss you now."

"I wouldn't complain." Jav did [kiss him] and Theron didn't [complain].

**Author's Note:**

> -quietly, to the tune of the TMNT theme song- cyborg secret agent husbands, cyborg secret agent husbands
> 
> Imma be real, I never intended to write fanfiction, intended even less to post it. But here we are. Write the fanfiction you wish to see in the world, I guess.


End file.
